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I sit here today working my day out this morning. Nothing really exciting for the most part. Today I get to spend the day with my son. We will get this bird house thing that he wants to do going. He loves the workshop as I do. It'll be hot today. Which usually means I'll be building the house while Henry watches t.v. or plays video games. It doesn't matter to me. I enjoy the smile that has come back to his face just to be present with him.
Makes me think a few months ago where I was miserably depressed. Going through a rough time in my life. I was on medication for depression seeking actual help. I felt helpless in my life. I was completely down and out. I felt nothing could've kicked my ass like cancer did. I was wrong. You don't feel like you can breathe. Like there is no way out. Suffocating. Me and my son would go hours without speaking. I'd ask what he wanted to do on any given day and he'd say go to grandma's house. I love that he loves to go there but didn't love to hear he didn't want to be with me alone. I was very irritable and I was not the man nor the Dad I knew I was.
A lot of people here me say how long I've been training. I'd say 10 years. What people usually miss is that I was also in a high stress position while working a second job, being a single dad, driving about 2 hours away to pick him up weekly so he could go to school. Driving him from home to home while I worked. Then we'd have to clean and I'd be too tired to do anything else. I was working about 50 hours a week at a job that I couldn't stand. I fought the ups and downs on and off over the years. I'd put the foot back on the gas and gain steam with my business and then feel guilty for missing my son and being completely worn down. I would always get this mental block of not going further do to me missing my son. I always had this guilt that I was choosing everything over my own boy. What most people may not get is that I was grateful. So grateful for everything in my life. I was providing for my son. We had money to do whatever we wanted to do with. We were doing so well together financially.
I didn't want him to grow up in the type of environment that I did. Always at someone else's house. See the way I grew up was you went to work. Even if you didn't like the work you did. You stick it out. You work hard and that my friends is noble right? I think it's super noble. I'm proud of my parents. They've worked so hard for me and my brothers. I respect anyone in my situation that could've stuck it out or are sticking it out. Hell, I was that guy for about 16 years. I've always though gone in a different direction than with my parents. I've spend my family life unwinding and making sure that my adult life didn't work or end up theirs. Not that there's anything wrong with their life. They're both happily retired and worked amazingly hard through their life. I always was very conscious of my life and where I needed it to go.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I stopped my day job but kept training to make ends meet. The weird thing was is that I felt so alive. Not depressed at all unless I had a spout of chemo. I got back to work and things were good for awhile. Then the pressure of me understanding that I was not in the place that I wanted to be in. After cancer ended my yearning for something else started to catch up with me like a freight train echoing in the night. You see, I new exactly how short life can be. This is the trigger that spun me into a deep depression.
It turned out the one thing that I thought I had needed was just manifested in my mind. It took me about 5 months to realize that the corporate job was just a tool to get me here. I was unconsciously taking care of myself. After I had finished that part I was ready to leave.
I stumble every single day. I make mistakes constantly. Sometimes I don't understand what I'm doing, what direction i'm going in. For now, i'm living one day to the next. Living on my own terms. So today me and Henry will hang out, smile, and have some damn fun because that's all I have is this moment. I'll invest in my right now which is my son. Tomorrow, I'll go right back to work. More than likely work tonight when Henry goes to bed.
You see the source of my depression was not listening to the voices in my head and the pulling of my heart. I knew who I was but chose to suppress my being. You see, I'm a man that can't be shackled by allowing something to tell me how to dress, how to manage, how to work, talk, or tell me what their vision of me will be. I am me and I love being me completely 24-7. So for me, win, lose or drawl. I will bust my ass everyday on my own terms. As of right now, i'm earning under minimum wage and I don't care and I don't care what anyone may or may not think of it. I have faith in myself and in the man upstairs that i'm right where i'm supposed to be. The smile on my sons face tells me so.
Until next time, Keep training. Most importantly listen to yourself. The fact that you're a human and reading this is a super rare thing. You are supposed to be here. Nature saw to it that you made it. Keep going! but most importantly, keep listening.