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I wrote this last night as my day wounded down. I realized that I was very angry with life. I was searching for some reason on why I felt the way I did. I had this pain in my neck and had to give a talk last night. The talk was the first one I struggled to get through. I always enjoy giving these hour-long talks. I could go even longer if I could. I love question and answers. After class I came home and walked Lilly. We did our first urban walk through the city of Belleville last night. Ironically, we took the same route me, Snickers, and Lucy did for years. After the walk we ordered pizza and ate.
After my late dinner I laid there in my chair and Lilly on the couch sleeping. I became overwhelmed with emotions. I broke down. I let it out. I for some reason found myself lost in the memories of being riddled with cancer and for some reason the night felt the same way as it did during the beginnings of my chemo therapy. I looked over and saw Lilly, a beautiful girl. She and I are bonding very well. I just couldn’t help the fact that I missed my friends that were no longer with me. I miss the built relationship, the feeling of not really thinking about how to interact but just talking and understanding each other without using a single word. Just a series of expressions. During that time. Snickers was so easy going. Me and him would fall asleep on the couch watching T.V. The grunts he’d make throughout the evening.
The memories just came flooding back. Although, I understand that Snickers is in a good place it doesn’t make it easier to accept the loss. I don’t think we accept losses and move on. Your relationships, and how you shape them, I feel are the pieces that make up who you are internally. Loss is never easy, I don’t feel like it ever gets less. I feel the harder you love the harder the loss is. As the new normal starts you can become a different person and the instinct of adaptation will kick in and you’re forced to move on. That’s life.
I guess I was just in a place of anger about the way life works sometimes. I wasn’t ungrateful, although one could see it that way. What I can say is, is that it’s not when life happens to you that hurts the most, it’s when life takes from you that it brings you to your knees.
I guess that’s why the seasons change, and everything seems the same but rarely stays the same. Life in the seasons constantly adjusts the world. Your world adjusts and eventually it will be you who leaves and someone else must move on and take that loss with them. Everything is connected, we are very much of this world and all on the very basic level out there to survive. I look at different sections in my life like chapters or books. Usually the defined parts of my life are the hardships and the joy during those moments. You must always take the good with the bad. The bad, or challenge is what shapes you, and gives you the confidence to go on. I think though with the losses it wears on you and sometimes it’s okay to be angry.
This week or last night I am angry at life.
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