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This blog will talk about me and how I feel gratitude or perspective in my life. Sorry no dog training advice on this one. Just thoughts.
The other day my brother came over. He recently had started another job. The driver that he works with gave him a medal to give to me that said “HOPE”. I had never really thought of it this way. I read what the metal was about.
The medal may just be a marketing tool for their org. I’m not really sure. What it says to me is it gives me perspective of a time in my life where life was at its most fragile. I was dying. I was very sick. It was like in a way I learned to deal with death itself. I think dealing with loss is harder than dealing with your own mortality. What is hard about dealing with your own mortality in my opinion, is understanding that anything and everything can happen to you at any moment. We are not subject to immunity of any event. I realized that I had a good run and if this was supposed to be my end then I had to accept it and count my blessings.
Those blessings were having the opportunity to be married and have a child. To have found what made me happy in work. I was happy to know that yes, I had a disease and I had time to get my affairs in order. I was thankful that I had the opportunity to have and create the relationships that I wanted. To have the access to people to where I could bring perspective back to my life. I was thankful to start Chemotherapy in the prime of my life. To be otherwise completely healthy to do the treatment. I was thankful that my prognosis was good.
I was amazed that one incident that you had no control over could bring you to center and to have you grounded and the fact that I was able to accept that I had no control of what was happening to me. There was a solace in that place of my heart that I got to just be. I didn’t have to act or hide from who I was. That may have been the first time of my adult life that I got to let go. I got to live as free as a dog, emotionally. Think it’s important to make that distinction.
Living emotionally free or just emotionally present is the lesson that I’ve learned. Anything and everything in this amazing existence of life is so fragile. Things can be taken from me in a breath as well as I can be taken from them in a breath. I heard something the other day and the person said this “when you look in the mirror you see the universe looking back at you.” The universe is a part of us all. We are indeed just star dust in a twinkle of existence. But we are beings. We are of this existence and so fortunate that we’ve had the opportunity to be a part of something that is just merely impossible. This medal I got, to me anyway means that. It means that I’m not supposed to be here. That I know and understand that everything is fragile. Most importantly the time that I’m here is fragile and there is no guarantee that I will see myself grow old. There is only the gratitude that I survived today, and I get to see the sun come up, or the hug from my son, or the amazing opportunity for great conversation.
“HOPE" it is in us all. Living consciously or on purpose is “HOPE” to me. Now I have strong urges to keep moving forward to seek out challenges. Fighting for my existence taught me some seriousness to not stay stagnate. In a weird way I’ve started to seek out “adventure” that’s what I call it anyway. What “adventure” really means is discomfort.
I must grow, I have to have the next challenge, gaining more knowledge of this life experience and understanding what my human body, mind, and soul is capable of. I will endure the pain. I am capable of unwavering happiness, and sadness. I can achieve what others deem to be impossible or out of reach, accept maybe sing or dance. One thing I know I can do is save myself and that I will eventually have to leave this place.
I am a part of this universe. I am alive.
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